Tearing away the things that I crave...

The pen hits the page like the wind hits the rain,
Writing the mistakes that You will erase,
Before tearing away that things that I crave,
Til all there is is You

I've been here before but I cannot explain,
This cold in my heart that I cannot replace,
Or the reasons I chase that things that I hate,
Til all there is is You.

"

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen."

Oh, to overcome self..

A process in which the end can be justified by the means, though the means will always be more gradual than anyone would care to possess or admit.

For it seems that growth happens just slow enough so much you can't see it moving. Be it a little faster and perhaps I could be satisfied. But no, it's like being so thirsty, and having a full glass of water in front of you, and a straw the width of a toothpick.

Eventually, this water will be mine... but what a slow and painful process it is...

I long for the day that I wake up, and see and say,

here we are,

you've made it.

Moments

Those moments in which we wish the entirety of our existence would cease, oh but for a fraction of time. You see, life is going too fast, and quite frankly, it wasn't supposed to happen like this. What wasn't suppose to happen? Everything... Everything that has happened. It was perfect three weeks ago.. It was perfect then.

Family? Who knew it would be like this..

Relationships? I knew it was too good to be true...

Friendships? ...not what I thought it was.


This is the kind of thing that happens to somebody else, not to me. Right?


Wrong.

These are the moments that we must continue, hoping somewhere underneath our exhaustion of cliches that things might be pleasant again... someday.

Expectation.

When one goes in a direction for so long it can be hard to know anything else. That path becomes the essence in which they live, the means by which they operate. It has become a necessity.

If it is a path that is out of sync with the leading of God, then it becomes most destructive.

Some of us are chosen for paths that will never lead us to our dreams.

Yet the sacrifice of those dreams will save many people from many things - ultimately from themselves.

Sometimes going in the direction of good means going away from the direction of expectation.

Robert Johnson

says in his book "Owning Your Own Shadow" that...


"To fall in love is to project the most noble and infinitely valuable part of one's being onto another human being."

So does that mean that the things about other people that annoy us, and infinitely get on our nerves, are really characteristics of ourselves which we are insecure about - and therefore hate?

Robin Williams says in his movie "Good Will Hunting" that...


"People call them imperfections, the idiosyncrasies, but they're wrong... those are the good stuff... those are to good stuff."


So when I get to that place where I fall in love with the imperfections of another person, I have concurrently reached that place of loving myself, and that which I could not stand before, becomes ultimately what I will always cherish in years to come.


*God take me there.. I want to be there...*

there are some things...

my friends won't understand. they can't help me through this one... they can't be here this time.


ocean waves,
i wave back
and feel like an idiot

autumn leaves,
and i'm left with bitter, bitter winter

rain pours,
i'd like a cup... something strong, please

wind blows,

this sucks.....

The problem with time...

Chronology has robbed us of the nature of God's existence. For in those moments of our experiential ecstasy, however great they may be, in the end are still moments - and moments fade. Not only do moments fade, but they are also tampered with in later moments by the human psyche. They are made to be better than they ever really were.
When we enter eternity we are placed in the direct presence of God (which is outside of the realm of time). Those moments of ecstasy which we could never hold on to, however much we have convinced ourselves that we want to, are really just moments. The reason why moments fade is because if they didn't they would get old and tiresome.

When we reach eternity and experience ecstasy with God, we will not be trapped in a moment, but freed from chronology and will be living in God's territory - the very absence of time.

We were designed for this ecstasy and are blessed to get glimpses of it now on this earth. But only glimpses for now. One day we will experience it in all completeness, but until that day comes...

We must ride the highs, receive the grace from the lows, and see God in all of it. After all, the journey is the destination.

The Fuel of Life

We must not abandon our desire, thinking, "This is what God calls me to". But rather, we must redirect our desire and recognize what we are truly longing for. Desire is a deceiving ally, and will chase what is tangible over what is complete. If we are convinced, however, that a relationship with Christ is the absence of desire, then we have never been more mistaken. For it is not the absence of owning desire in our faith that determines our holiness, but rather our faith, at its core, should be driven by desire. When we begin to see God in everything (practicing His presence) we are graced to understand that this relationship is, from beginning to end, is about desire.